I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
