how can u be prego again
My liver just broke up with me...
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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