I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
