even my farts smell like vagina
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Randomize