you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
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