After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
