Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
