The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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