I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Randomize
