Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Randomize
