If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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