i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
