I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
