we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
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