True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
