Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
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