sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Randomize
