On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
