please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize
