If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
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