i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
im six kinds of drunk right now
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
