So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize
