my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
