I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Randomize
