Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Randomize
