Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Randomize
