I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I wish there were birth control emojis
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
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