Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
