need another drink. this is the easiest way
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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