I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
