they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
And my parents said I crawled through the house
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
