I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
