I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
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