I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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