TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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