You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
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