Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Randomize
