I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
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