whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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