'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
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