Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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