She tied me up with her honor cords...
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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