I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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