If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Randomize
