Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
