Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
