didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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