New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
