I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
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