id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
