theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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