hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
