When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
