my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
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