why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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