Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I wear drunk well.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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