Don't make out with my wife yet
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
