oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
