and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
