I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Still dying that you shit outside
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Randomize
